I'm pretty sure no one will ever read this because, as far as I know, nobody uses livejournal anymore. And that's fine with me. Looks like the majority of my posts were often private anyhow.
I don't even remember writing most of what is on here. Even the posts that seem really important and emotionally charged are now just hazy scrambled memories. I get the feeling that I mostly wrote on here when I was intoxicated or hysterical.
I read back through each entry over a couple of evenings. And while it was hard to do, I think I am glad that I did so. Because I have a tendency to beat myself up about where I am in my life, but looking back I can really see just how far I have come. Thank goodness for that too, because I was so lost. I mean, I remember often feeling lost and hopeless and breaking down in the tears over not being able to get it together, so it's not like I was completely delusional. But looking at it now that I am a calm, mature, content, and accomplished adult really puts a lot of things into perspective.
I consider myself a happy person with a positive outlook. I have few complaints. But I do enjoy beating myself up for all that lost time. I work so hard at all of the things I do now, and sometimes I can't help but think, "You should have done this 10 years ago". I know I still have lots of time, but certain things do get harder as you get older. I still struggle with forgiving myself for my wasted youth, poor planning, and questionable life choices.
Before that, when I was even younger, I was a very focussed and goal-oriented go getter. And for a while, it did get me some of the places that I wanted to be. But I used to stress myself out constantly, and I think that's what led to such a long term burnout and meltdown; The need to escape my own expectations, and my feelings of inadequacy. I catch myself thinking similar thoughts now but I am mindful of it. I can usually do something else to distract, rather than just self-medicating. Plus, I have other priorities now. I'm not as selfish now as the person who these past posts portray. Having a family has meant learning to love others more than I love myself.
Why am I writing this all down? I don't know. Because maybe future Teresa will need a reminder some day. And unlike all the darkness that permeates the rest of this space, this entry can be different. A reminder that I conquered fears and banished demons, and was happy with my home, my family, my friends, my work, my passions, my achievements. I hope I never need such a reminder. I hope I never lose sight of what's really important. I hope this charmed life I've rebuilt stays intact.